Idle Wishes
by Eartha
Summary: Everything you touch will die. Everything will turn to ash and death. You are a plague hanyou. It is the fate of your kind. You will curse everything you hold dear. You, dear brother, will be the end of all that you know.
1. Part One: Loss

Idle Wishes

Part One: Loss

By: Eartha

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha.

Everything had been going so well…

They had defeated Naraku.

Miroku had finally properly proposed to Sango. Their wedding was only a few days away now.

Kagome…

Inuyasha smiled to himself.

Kagome had accepted his offer to be his mate. Forever. They lay together now, warming each other with their body heat. Offering comfort from mere contact.

Inuyasha raised his hand, lightly smoothing over the mark on her neck. She shivered. The contact was enough to elicit pleasure even in her sleep.

He took much pride in knowing that only he could do that. Not that wimpy wolf, and certainly not that 'hobo' guy from her world. She had chosen him. Not just for her lifespan, but for his.

And beyond…

When they had mated, an unusual occurrence had happened.

In a normal ritual, their blood would have mixed, creating a hybrid of power in each of their bodies. It should have shortened his lifespan some, while increasing that of Kagome's. They would have had a general feeling of connection between them, an eternal knowledge of physical well-being.

This had happened but to an even greater extent. Not only could they feel if one another was in trouble, they knew exactly what was happening. They had ceased to be two separate people.

They had become one.

Their souls had mixed, not just their auras.

They were but one soul in two bodies.

Now, nothing could separate them, not even death….

-later that day-

She was going to her time for a little while. Just a few days.

Why did it seem like forever?

He would have come, but it was a festival day. There would be a lot of people at the shrine, a lot of spiritual people.

She had feared they might recognize him for what he truly was…

And so, she had left the Shikon no Tama with him too. How could she have explained to all those Shinto priests and priestesses the blaringly obvious aura of the pink jewel?

No, she had told him, it would be much safer with him.

That had warmed his heart. He had never known a person to trust him so much. But, she had trusted him with her soul. The jewel may be precious, but her soul was eternal. And she had trusted him with it…

In an imperceptible instant, something edged at his consciousness. A feeling of being watched made him tense.

He sniffed the air.

There were youkai, lots of youkai.

He could only think of one reason why they would come in such mass.

They knew he had the jewel.

In the next second, the quiet forest turned violent as snarls filled the cooling evening air.

Gripping the jewel tightly in his fist, Inuyasha turned on the youkai, confronting them.

He fought hard, but with Tetsuseiga it went fairly quickly. They had all been small time youkai, but still a lingering fear consumed his thoughts.

What if it had been Kagome walking all alone?

She was strong, he could not deny that, but she wasn't invincible.

He feared not being there to protect her.

In her time, she was safe. There were no super-evil villains, only regular humans. There were criminals, but these criminals did not have the power to rip a human in half with their jaws…

He placed the jewel in his hoari as he sniffed the surrounding area for more youkai. He couldn't be reckless.

As his hands brush against the surface of the jewel, his mind wandered back to Kagome.

_He wished she could always be as safe as she was in her era._

It was just a thought, a musing, but the jewel saw it as the pure wish that it was…and reacted.

In one blinding second, the forest lit up with the bright pink color of the jewel.

As the light faded, Inuyasha looked on in shock. The once powerful jewel had, with one idle thought, become a glass bauble.

As he stood there staring, the thumping of human feet neared. Stepping into the clearing were a half-dressed Miroku and a heavily breathing Kaede.

They had felt the jewel's aura flare and then die completely.

That was when the pain came. Not the type you feel when you stub your toe. Not the skull splitting throb of a head ache. Not even the searing pain of being purified. This pain was much, much deeper. It was all those sensations intensified a thousandfold, centered within his very being.

It was the feeling of a soul being forcibly split in half. And Inuyasha knew it.

In the back of his mind, he knew Kaede and Miroku were calling his name, asking what had happened.

He couldn't answer them. He didn't have an answer.

But he had a sickening feeling of what it might be.

The sudden realization woke him from his soul-searing stupor. He had to know if his worst fear had come true.

He sped off in the direction of the well, leaving a stupefied Miroku and Kaede behind.

-

Miroku had been meditating.

After Naraku was defeated, everything had gone wonderfully. Sango had agreed to marry him, Inuyasha and Kagome were finally together, Shippo was happy and growing, and Kaede had a family again. It seemed as if Buddha had graced them with good fortune after all of the bad things that had happened to them.

And yet, the future seemed unusually unclear to him. All throughout the day he had witnessed bad omens. A dead bird at his front door, dark clouds in the distance, and just a general feeling of negative energy in the air.

Misfortune and heartache loomed in the future…

That was when he felt it. A bright burst of pure spiritual energy had been released.

He didn't waste any time in seeking out the cause. He quickly jumped up, leaving the top layer of his robes behind.

Halfway there he met Kaede hobbling in the same direction. He would have laughed at the comical sight of the Miko trying to run, if she hadn't looked so panicked.

She too had felt the energy burst. She knew of only one object that could create such a wave of powerful aftershock….

Hurrying together, they came upon a clearing still humming from the Tetsuseiga's attack. Demon body parts lay in disarray, and in the middle stood a stoic Inuyasha staring at something small within his grasp. Disbelief seemed to cover his face as he kept looking at his closed fist.

Just as Miroku was about to call out Inuyasha's name, his spiritual senses picked up a disturbing aura around the hanyou. It was as if the very essence that was Inuyasha was being split into two, forcibly torn in half.

Incredulously, Miroku looked to Kaede for confirmation. But, she seemed to think there was something else far more interesting as she kept staring in horror at the hanyou.

Wondering what she was seeing, he looked back to find Inuyasha cradling his head, his face marred with a grimace of intense pain.

Fear gripped Miroku's heart as realization dawned. Something was happening to the bond between Kagome and Inuyasha.

He reached out to his long-time friend, calling his name in hopes of further answers. However, Inuyasha ignored him, too focused on what was happening.

Then, Inuyasha's face transformed from intense pain to intense fear. Realization of what was happening seemed to dawn on his face. He looked up once, straight at Miroku, and yet through him. In that one look Miroku saw something he had never seen before.

Inuyasha was terrified.

Suddenly, he sped past Miroku, heading for the only place he ever found comfort.

The Goshinboku.

But why would he head there?

It had no immediate importance, except for maybe as a symbol to him of all his pain and all his love…

Then Miroku's mind wandered past the Goshinboku towards the only other destination the hanyou would think of going.

The well.

Something was wrong with the well.

Looking over to the old miko, it seemed as if Kaede had come to the same conclusion.

With hearts heavy, they followed the hanyou's path.

-

His anxiety spread as he neared his destination. Usually when Kagome was away in her time, he could feel her presence the closer he was to the well.

That wasn't happening.

This wasn't happening.

He couldn't comprehend the situation fully; it was too much to take in.

If what he thought had come true, if his wish had been taken literally…

All thoughts stopped as he stopped, staring at the well in fascinated horror.

The well ALWAYS had an aura, a magical quality that told you it was no ordinary dried up well.

The well had ceased to feel magical.

Thinking he was delusional, he jumped down the well. There was no way it wouldn't let him pass. He had to get to Kagome, had to hold her in his arms and assure himself that she was there, always would be there.

He landed on the bottom with the bright sky staring down at him.

The well no longer had an aura, no longer felt of Kagome, no longer rippled with the force of time travel.

The well no longer worked…and he and Kagome were trapped on different sides.

That was when the full force of the panic hit. He kept on trying, hoping against hope that just this once it would work. Even as his hair turned black and his senses dulled he kept on trying… nothing happened.

Unable to move from sheer exhaustion, the human Inuyasha sat at the bottom of the well, staring at the immovable bottom.

It had happened again.

It never failed.

He had gone from the very heights of heaven to the darkest of the seven hells…

Again.

By now the pain had gone, but in its wake it had left only a numbing silence.

Dull nails dug into vulnerable flesh.

Numb and broken. The kamis had cursed him again.

Fingertips tore along the soft underside of his arms, facilitated by the seeping blood.

Salt water filled his vision as he stared into the inky blackness.

He had cried when his mother died.

Two twin teardrops fell on the wounds of his arm, stinging the bloody tracts.

He had cried when his father never came back…

Another tear drop fell, soaking the dirt floor.

He had cried when Kikyo's betrayal hit him full force in the shape of her deadly arrow.

That was it.

Now, he cried teardrops that surpassed all of his former sorrows.

Within each watery tear was a dream, a hope, a wish.

Every plan he had ever made, anything that had involved Kagome and him being happy. Every emotion left him through his tears except the cold stab of defeat.

The kamis had finally done it.

They had defeated the hanyou forever, giving him his just rewards for surviving all this time.

They had finally taken away his life.

He dug his nails deeper…

-

Seeing as they were a good distance a way, it took them about fifteen minutes to actually reach the well.

What they saw horrified them.

Inuyasha kept on jumping into the well, and yet nothing was happening.

The well had closed.

As his hair turned black and his powers diminished to those of a human, they watched him slow down.

With each jump it took him a little longer to come up again…until finally he didn't come up.

When they didn't see his head crowning from the mouth of the well, they thought, just maybe, he had made it through.

But, they had felt no magic.

Slowly they walked over to the well and peered down into the dark hole.

Miroku recoiled in horror as he took in the picture of Inuyasha.

He sat at the bottom, digging into his own flesh and crying.

He had never seen the proud hanyou look so broken.

-

She hadn't wanted to leave. But, Grandpa had asked her many months ago to help with the festival preparations. She saw her family so rarely now that she would have felt extremely guilty if she had not come.

That didn't make her feel any better though.

Sighing from exhaustion after having washed the kitchen floor (they had to serve the Shinto officials dinner), she stood up taking a quick look at the calendar. The feudal era just didn't count the days like present society did.

So, she tended to lose track of what day it was.

Finding the day quickly, she nodded at the time of week. It was a Friday, the ceremony would be tomorrow.

She was about to leave the kitchen when she did a double take.

There, staring harmlessly at her on the day's date was an empty circle.

Tonight was the new moon!

How could she have forgotten?

Family or not, she would not leave her mate alone on his night of weakness.

Quickly, she went to fetch her yellow bag as she headed out the back door to the well.

Just as she was about to enter the small shrine, a stabbing pain hit her. It left her gasping for breath that would not come.

However, it was not the pain that left her in tears, but the feeling of utter despair which came through her link to Inuyasha.

He was in trouble, they both were!

Quickly she jumped into the well…

Nothing happened.

Franticly searching for a possible barrier, she found none. Not even a trace of one. Not even a trace of magic…

That was when the full force of what was happening hit her.

The well had closed and she was trapped on the side without her mate.

She had lost the one man she had fought so hard to keep…

She shook her head in denial. She wasn't a quitter, she would not just give up. She tried jumping again and again.

Her knees turned to jelly.

Then she tried forcing her miko energy into the well.

Her powers dimmed and then faded.

Then she dug into the ground with her fingernails, ripping them off of her fingers until they were but bloody stubs.

Nothing happened.

She screamed. It was a wail so filled with pain that the neighbors several blocks away called the police.

Then she curled up into a fetal position and cried herself to sleep, her bloody fingertips digging into her scalp to stop the awful numbing silence that had taken over her mind.

Ten minutes later, that was how the Higurashis found Kagome: an unresponsive manikin clinging to herself in despair.

It didn't take them much time to figure out what happened.

-

Shippo knew there was something wrong the moment he awoke.

The small hut was silent. Usually by this time, Kaede had started breakfast and Miroku was quietly chanting in the corner.

Sango and Kagome would be helping Kaede, and Inuyasha would be complaining about how long it took to get breakfast ready.

He knew that Sango wasn't there. She had left a few days ago to visit the ruins of her city.

He knew that Kagome wasn't there because she had gone back home for a shrine festival.

But where was everyone else?

He sniffed the air, hoping to find that they were just outside, perhaps talking quietly so as not to disturb him.

Inuyasha had been doing that a lot lately. Being nice to him, and helping him with his youkai skills. He could now identify every scent in the group.

That was something to be quite proud of.

However, there were no fresh scents in the area. They all lingered from the day before.

Shippo started to panic.

Did they leave him alone?

Had they abandoned him?

A million scenarios entered his head and left just as quickly. He knew he was being stupid.

Shippo was pack, and Inuyasha would never abandon one of his pack.

Then what had happened?

Slowly, a scent drifted to his nose. It was a scent that stilled his heart in fear.

Inuyasha was bleeding. Wherever he was, he was hurt.

Determined, Shippo left to go track down the hanyou. If Inu needed him, then Shippo would be there for him, just as Inuyasha had been there for him.

Shippo did amazingly well in his tracking game. He followed Inuyasha's scent to the clearing and then headed towards the well, the scent of blood strong in his nose.

That was where he found the rest of the pack.

Miroku and Kaede knelt in front of the well, chanting and praying. Inuyasha's scent lay within the well itself.

Shippo knew something was terribly wrong by the looks of exhaustion and sorrow on the faces of the two spiritual individuals.

Something had happened, and it wasn't good.

Slowly, Shippo walked up to the kneeling couple and the lip of the well. Their eyes followed him but they said nothing.

They didn't have to.

There could be only one reason why Inuyasha was at the bottom of the well, and that was if it wasn't working.

The sudden realization made him freeze.

He had lost his mother again…

He sniffled, tears coming to his eyes.

That sniffle brought him back to the present. The air was thick with the smell of Inuyasha's blood.

Inuyasha had lost his mate.

He knew he would sorely miss Kagome, but nothing could compare to the pain Inuyasha must be feeling.

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Shippo straightened up.

He may have lost his mother, but he would be damned if he lost another father as well.

With determination set into his face, he peered down the mouth of the well.

He almost lost it.

Inuyasha was crouched at the very bottom of the well, tears streaming down his face. The wounds on his arms had now become deep slits, reaching to the very bone. Yet, still he scratched, not allowing for them to heal.

His blood had puddled at the bottom of the well, soaking his feet in crimson. He stared at the dirt walls of the well, unblinking and unresponsive to anyone's presence.

It was the scariest image Shippo had ever seen.

He almost ran away.

He almost broke down and cried.

Almost.

Instead, he jumped down the well and curled up in Inuyasha's lap. Giving him the only comfort he knew how to give.

Inuyasha stilled his actions, his claws buried deeply in his arms. Slowly, he released his bloody arms, then encircled the small kitsune in a hard, desperate embrace, burying his head in the kit's fur.

Shippo was unable to hold in his tears any longer. As he felt Inuyasha's arms bathe him in warm sticky blood and his tears wet his long auburn hair, Shippo cried.

He cried for himself…for the mother he had lost.

He cried for his friends…for the friend they had lost.

But, most of all…

He cried for Inuyasha…

-

Kaede and Miroku watched the slightly disturbing, but touching scene from above. The kit had cried himself to sleep in Inuyasha's arms.

A movement from Inuyasha brought their attention back to him.

He stood up, the kit held securely in his arms. He wavered for just a moment, obviously dizzy from blood loss. Quickly regaining his balance, the hanyou crouched to jump out of the well.

Relief covered the faces of the two spiritual people, glad that their friend had chosen to take himself out of the stupor he had remained in for the night.

They both opened their mouths, about to offer condolences to the distraught man, but he just walked past them without a second glance.

They just stared after the kit and the hanyou as they headed into the forest.

-

As if in a trance, Inuyasha walked towards the hot springs with the bloody kit still in his arms.

Memories flowed in front of his mind's eye.

Each step brought a new image.

Kagome cooking Ramen.

Kagome smiling at him.

Kagome yelling 'Sit'.

Kagome's soft gaze as she said yes to his proposal.

As he reached the hot spring, his eyes had already begun their rainfall, releasing the despair that he felt with each cherished, yet painful memory.

The kit beginning to stir brought him back to the present.

He was covered in blood. No child should see so much blood…

Carefully, so as not to awaken him, Inuyasha set him down near the bank. He took off his hoari, and rinsed it in the warm water. Then, using the shirt as a towel, he methodically, gently washed off the dried blood from the kit's red hair and soft skin.

No one had been there for him as a child, when he was covered with his own blood. No body had wiped his face free of dirt and grime.

He'd be damned if Shippou ever felt the same mistreatment.

Kagome wouldn't have wanted it that way…

Having succeeded in cleaning the child, he headed back to the clearing with the kit placed firmly in his arms.

Reaching the clearing, he stepped up to the wide-eyed monk and miko and held out the kit for one of the two to take.

As if finally understanding his intentions, Kaede encircled her arms around the kitsune and headed back towards the village.

-

Miroku watched in wonder at the interaction.

Inuyasha gently placed Shippou in Kaede's arms, then turned and walked back towards the well.

He was about to follow the hanyou, when Kaede gave him a long and meaningful stare.

She obviously thought it best to leave Inuyasha alone.

Not completely agreeing, but thinking the miko wiser than himself, he gave one last look to the suffering soul and promptly followed the old woman.

Ever since the mating, Inuyasha had changed.

Underneath, Miroku had always known the hanyou to be a kind soul, but it was usually covered by a thick and gruff exterior.

After he had joined with Kagome, the cover had seemed to thin and crack in places. His words had become less crude. His actions more meaningful.

He was still the same disagreeable hanyou…but he was more willing to show his emotions. A fact the whole group appreciated, considering Inuyasha's emotional constipation usually led to anger and thus abuse to the group (both physical and verbal).

Being so gentle and caring for the child was just one of the many side effects of his new change in personality.

It also made the whole situation that much more heart-wrenching to watch.

As they entered the hut, Kaede set the kit down beside her in her bedding. She was obviously tired and needed rest, and chose to do so while giving comfort to the stricken youkai child.

Miroku headed towards his bedding, intent on sleeping, but a thought struck him before he could settle into restless sleep.

Sango didn't know.

She would be extremely mad if he let her go unknowing for the whole of her vacation.

But more than that, he needed her.

He needed the reassurance that his own soul mate was still here, still with him in this plane.

Selfishly, he needed her to comfort him. He had never felt so lost before.

Determined, he set out for Sango's decimated village.

-

Sesshoumaru was restless.

It was not unusual for him to feel restless. He had always had a kind of wanderlust, a need to always be in motion. Taking in the world, but never taking part.

His actions were usually random, his feet choosing his path.

But, something other than wanderlust was calling him. For days he had been searching for the cause of this strange restlessness, but he could find no answer. The only hint would be a strange propensity for his feet to head in the direction of his brother's forest.

But he would not go there.

He could not face the hanyou now. Not after that hanyou had defeated Naraku, where he himself had so miserably failed.

Inuyasha would undoubtedly rub it in his face.

And for some reason, he had grown tired of their childish meetings. He no longer had the desire to bait his brother, and had no patience to sit and listen to the hanyou try to bait him.

Having allowed his thoughts to wander, Sesshoumaru moved without conscious awareness.

However, when he smelled the familiar scent of his brother, the markings to the beginning of his forest, he startled.

His feet had yet again led him to his brother.

With a confused and annoyed looked, Sesshoumaru headed back to his castle.

He would NOT go to his brother.

-

Days turned into weeks, and yet Inuyasha still had not left his post watching the well. After the villagers had found about the loss of the miko and the despair of the hanyou, they had set up a sort of daily processional, bringing food and water to the feet of Inuyasha.

Sometimes he would acknowledge them, giving them a ghost of a smile, sometimes he would growl low, his demon instincts coming to surface.

But, most of the time, he just stared blankly ahead, seemingly unable to even see them.

Miroku, Sango, Shippou, and Kaede took turns keeping watch.

When Sango had heard the news from Miroku, she had blanched, disbelief marring her face. But, one look at Miroku told her he spoke the truth.

They had spent the night together, consoling each other as only lovers could do.

It had been her idea to watch over the hanyou, protecting him from any outside force that would seek to harm him.

It had been a smart idea.

The hanyou had become unwilling to protect himself. Already, several smaller youkai had tried attacking him.

And he let them.

Four had been upon him the day Miroku and Sango had returned.

They had quickly dispatched the weak youkai, but it was the hanyou in front of them that they could do nothing about.

He would not let them dress his wounds. His blood flowed freely for far longer than it should have.

His healing powers were being suppressed.

Sango thought it was because he didn't eat or drink a thing.

Even a creature of Youkai blood needed sustenance.

Kaede thought it was because his bond with Kagome had weakened his powers as a youkai.

That was as good a guess as any.

But, Miroku knew the true reason.

The Hanyou was forcing himself to bleed. Allowing his wounds to fester. He wanted the pain.

He wanted to die.

It was Shippou who had kept him from doing anything drastic.

Everyday the kit would go up to the hanyou and curl up in his lap. He forced him to drink some water and eat some food.

Inuyasha pretended for the Kit's sake.

If it had not been for Shippou, Miroku was sure the hanyou would have already taken his own life.

-

Kagome had not moved from her bed since the night they had found her curled at the well's bottom.

They had tried talking to her.

She wouldn't respond.

They had tried picking her up and moving her outside, forcing her to interact.

She had remained like a stone, cold and unmoving even in the liveliest of environments.

They had even tried yelling at her, begging her, anything to get a reaction.

Still she did nothing.

She was but a shell of the girl she used to be.

Finally, they had to take her to the hospital.

She had refused to eat or drink, so they had to put an IV in her, feeding her liquefied nutrients.

That had gotten a reaction.

She tried desperately to pull out the tube. In the end, they had to sedate her, then strap her to the bed.

After waking from her stupor, she took in her situation quietly, almost eerily.

She had done nothing since. She lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling or sleeping

They didn't know what to do.

It seemed as if she had resigned herself to death.

She no longer wished to live.

-

It had been a whole month since Sesshoumaru had first felt the need to move towards his brother's small, insignificant territory.

The feeling had merely been an annoyance at first, but it had steadily increased to a feeling of urgency.

Now, every step Sesshoumaru took without thought was in the direction of the damned hanyou's forest.

He could not even sleep, for his body embarrassingly moved in the same direction.

It was as if he was no longer in control of his own body.

Finally fed up with the whole situation, he set off to the forest, hopefully to find a reason for the strange restlessness.

Allowing his body full reign, it took him only till an hour before sunset, a mere ten minutes, to reach the clearing in which his brother's stench was the strongest.

There, he was stopped.

It was maddening, this new obstacle to his goal.

His feet were telling him to move ahead, yet his way was blocked by a mere human.

He would have gladly just ripped the woman in half, but he had never been one for totally unnecessary violence.

Besides, it was much more interesting to see the humans squirm in fear…

He walked straight up to her, threatening her with his dripping, poison claws.

"This Sesshoumaru demands for you to move."

It was a simple command, one that should not have been questioned.

Crazy enough, she stood her ground.

Her eyes were steely with determination.

She was protecting something. And if his nose was correct, she was more specifically protecting his brother.

Then she spoke, "I won't let you hurt him!"

The emotion in her voice startled him, but not as much as the lightening fast attack which she launched after her declaration.

She was obviously talented…

But she was no match for this Sesshoumaru.

He had her by the throat in less than three moves.

Still she would not give up.

That was when he questioned her.

"Why?"

He had never seen any creature, except for maybe that miko, defend his brother in such a desperate manner.

At first she did not seem to comprehend his question, but a tightening of her throat made her answer his vague inquiry.

"Hasn't he suffered enough, already?"

Tears came to her eyes, though he did not know if they were from her pain, or an emotional response to her words.

Slowly, he let go of her throat.

He studied her as she regained her balance, dizzy from the lack of oxygen.

Still, she cried.

Emotional response then.

Why would anyone cry for his pathetic brother?

Her face hardened once more as she looked at him.

She knew she could not win against him, but she still stood her ground.

"Just leave him alone Sesshoumaru."

Now he was really curious. What had happened to his brother this time?

He stepped forward to figure out this new development, but again she blocked his way.

Having lost his patience for her, he quickly slid his hand around her neck and squeezed.

She lost consciousness before she even hit the forest floor.

Such loyalty confused him greatly. He had never known his brother had gathered such a strong following. He was merely a hanyou.

How had he gained the respect of such an obviously independent and strong human?

Slowly he stepped forward into the clearing….

-

Inuyasha knew that he was there. He had smelled him from miles away, smelled him for many weeks. He had finally neared.

The Kit in his arms stirred, as he too scented the familiar smell of the taiyoukai.

He felt a looming presence behind him and knew his brother had finally come to finish his life.

Maybe now he could find peace.

He stood, wobbling on his weakened limbs that were stiff from disuse.

He set the Kitsune down on the floor, near the well. He was still sleeping.

Hopefully, he would not awaken to see the coming events.

Carefully he turned around to stare at his full-blooded elder brother.

He stared him in the eye. Then, he slowly walked towards him, stumbling at the slightest incline, but still remaining erect.

He may be weak, but he would be damned if he lost his dignity in front of his brother.

Carefully, he stopped in front of Sesshoumaru. He looked the youkai in the eye, then bared his neck.

The message was clear: Kill Me.

He closed his eyes waiting for the coming darkness that he would never awaken from.

His eyes popped open at the sound of a small growl.

It was as intimidating as a mouse, but the message was clearly one of anger.

Slowly opening his eyes, he watched as Shippou rushed in front of him, placing himself between the two brothers.

He bared his teeth, challenging the taiyoukai.

In the small part of himself that could still feel, fear overtook him.

Shippou had just put himself in mortal danger, and there was no way he could stop his brother from doing anything.

He was too weak.

He was always weak.

He wasn't worth dying for.

Falling down to his knees, he covered the Kitsune with his body, desperately protecting him from his brother. He no longer cared about dignity.

The Kamis may have taken Kagome away from him, but there was no way in the seven hells that they would take away Shippou.

He wouldn't let them.

Dignity and pride be damned.

He was prostrate in front of his brother and he could care less.

Just let the kit be spared.

-

If Inuyasha had looked up, he would have seen an almost comical look on the face of his brother.

Sesshoumaru was shocked.

When he walked into the clearing, he had expected to find his brother dying of some extraordinary injury, being tended to by the strange miko that followed him around.

He had smelled the blood. It only seemed to strengthen his presumption.

However, when his brother faced him, he saw no mortal wound.

He did see something quite different.

His brother was skeletal thin. His face gaunt and expressionless. His movements had a sort of mechanical, painful, almost old, characteristic.

His arms were bloody and oozing with pus, covered by only the thin material of his firerat coat.

His eyes, however, were the most shocking aspect of all.

They were resigned, dull, completely lifeless.

They no longer held the raging fire that they used to.

If it had not been for his scent, he would not have known the pitiful creature before him was his brother.

However, despite his appearance, the look Inuyasha gave him as he slowly, yet almost regally, walked up to him, bellied it all.

That gaze was one worthy of the Inuyoukai blood.

When he bared his neck to him, Sesshoumaru finally understood his purpose.

He had walked towards him with the sole purpose of receiving punishment. It was an action followed throughout the existence of their clan. If one committed a crime worthy of mortal punishment, the criminal would be honor bound to present himself to the pack leader, baring his neck for a swipe of claws that would lead to a slow, painful death.

Inuyasha was asking for death.

But what could his crime have been? Sesshoumaru surely had a long list of crimes, most importantly the hanyou's very birth, but Inuyasha had never recognized them before.

What could have sent him to this extreme?

Before he could mull over the strange occurrence further, a red fuzz ball shot in front of the hanyou, a small growl of warning emitting from the form.

The Kitsune child who followed his brother was challenging him. A child was protecting his brother.

It should have amused him, but instead it amazed him.

The child was obviously willing to fight him, a taiyoukai, for the safety of a simple hanyou.

When had this abominable creature gained such loyal friends?

Just as quickly as the kitsune appeared, his brother lost his regal airs and dropped to his feet in the lowliest of submissions, effectively covering the kitsune with his own body.

However, the Kitsune did not take the message to leave off. He effectively squirmed out the weakened grip of the hanyou's and faced the taiyoukai once more.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!"

The conviction in the child's voice was the exact same as the human slayer's. The child was desperate to protect Inuyasha, putting his own life at risk for the sake of a broken hanyou.

Inuyasha groped for the kitsune child, trying without success to bring him back into the cover of his arms. It seemed he had lost the energy to stand, and could only muster enough to resemble an old blind man searching for his cane.

The Kitsune bristled at him, while dodging Inuyasha's hands.

Tiring of the game, Sesshoumaru lifted his hand to swat the child away when another voice addressed him from behind.

"leave"

The command was simple, tired, but determined.

He scented the air to find two new scents. Both the old Miko and the Monk had shown up to protect the pathetic hanyou.

They were standing in a fight-ready position, winding up to start a battle they would surely lose.

"Miroku…"

The voice was weak and sounded as if wind were playing against the hollow caverns of a dry cave.

Inuyasha was speaking.

"Miroku," the voice tried again, this time much clearer, but still rusty with disuse.

All turned to look at the owner of the voice.

He was staring at the ground, but his back was rigid.

"Take Shippou and Sango and head back to the village."

The Monk began to protest, when Inuyasha lifted his head staring straight at the man with his old flaming gold eyes.

"GO!"

It was a voice that could not be denied.

It was their father's voice.

What had happened to his brother?

The humans took the hint and gathered up their companions, one struggling the other limp.

The Monk took one last look at Inuyasha and left the clearing, the miko trailing behind with an obstinate child lashing around in her arms.

Shippou gave one last growl and launched himself in their direction, only to be stopped by a single commanding growl from Inuyasha.

It was a growl used only by a leader.

Its meaning: obey me.

Shippou stopped and broke into silent sobs. The miko took the chance to gather him in her arms.

She too gave the hanyou one last look, and then turned to leave.

As the group disappeared beyond the treeline, Sesshoumaru turned to his prostrated brother.

Once again the hanyou attempted to raise himself from the ground. Sesshoumaru watched as his muscles trembled with the effort, leaking blood onto the grass below him.

Slowly, thinking through each movement, Inuyasha was able to stand. Though, it seemed with the slightest bit of wind, he would easily tumble over.

Finally stabilizing himself, Inuyasha looked into Sesshoumaru's eyes. It was the only communication he could afford. His voice was long gone with the effort it took to rise, his breath, even now came in deep, ragged pants.

Sesshoumaru stared in wonder at this creature his brother had become. In the space of a month, his brother had aged a hundred years, it seemed.

His skin lay loose against his muscles, his hair was dirty and unkempt, his face had gained the lines one sees in those who have known too much sorrow in their lives.

His eyes….

They had dulled once more, the mere spark shown just moments before seemed to have smothered to cool embers.

He had never seen his brother look so…defeated.

Finally, Inuyasha regained his voice, stating what had only been implied before.

"Kill me," it was merely a whisper now, no longer holding the power it once had.

Sesshoumaru did nothing. He only stared, confusion raining through his mind.

He finally had the chance to kill his bastard brother…but he could not. It was as if there was no purpose anymore. Something else had taken his place, defeating his brother mind, body, and soul.

Something else had defeated him…

That was all Sesshoumaru ever wanted, to defeat the hanyou who took away his father's affections.

He had wanted to break him, show the world that the hanyou was not worthy of his father's blood…of his father's sword.

He wanted to show the world that he was superior.

But, it was he who had been shown as the fool the night Naraku was defeated.

It was not he who saved the world, but his weak bastard of a brother.

Anger shot into his confusion, making his eyes flash red. Something, someone had taken what was his by right. Something had broken Inuyasha, the job that he had reserved for himself the night he was born.

Suddenly, he wanted to kill this thing that would do such to his brother…

This thing that had taken away what was rightfully his…

But first, he would have to find out what, who it was…

And so, he asked what he thought he never would before. "Why?"

Even as he said it, the word seemed to echo in his memory. However, his concentration broke when a harsh grating laugh met his ears.

Inuyasha was laughing.

-

They had left her alone for the night. The room was silent, maddeningly silent. If she wasn't crazy before she came here, she would be soon.

A week ago she would have been strapped to the bed, a camera on her at all times.

The doctors told her she was doing better. She had been eating, and she was now responding to those around her.

So, they had removed the straps.

Little did they know it had all been a ploy…

Lying strapped to the bed had given her time to think. As his face flittered through her mind day in and day out, she formulated a plan.

By now, Inuyasha would be dead.

It had been five hundred years. A hanyou could not live that long.

If she wanted to see him again, she would have to meet him. See him in the nether world. She would have to be released.

Released from these bonds that held her tight.

Not only the straps that held her to the bed, but the spiritual ones that held her to this earth.

And so she had formulated her plan. She would do what they wanted of her, she would get them to release her. They would be her salvation, her death.

Isn't that ironic?

That had played right into her hands. They had been giving her sleeping pills, but she had not been taking them.

She had kept them for this night, the night of the new moon.

The night, exactly a month ago, when she lost the only thing that mattered.

The night she would be able to set herself free.

Her release only required one more element. Quietly, she got out of her bed and kneeled. Blindly groping underneath the frame, her hand lighted on something sharp.

Today, one of the nurses had broken her glasses. The lens had shattered. Luckily, Kagome had been standing by when it happened. Quickly, she had stepped on the large piece that landed near her foot, effectively hiding it from notice. Afterward, she had slipped it into her sock while pretending to tie her shoe. From there, she carried it into her bedroom and hid it in the box springs of her bed.

It was the final key that would unlock her freedom.

One by one, she took the sleeping pills. There were seven in all. She wasn't quite sure if that was enough to put her to sleep forever. That's why she had the glass…

As she swallowed the seventh pill, her eyes began to droop. The pills were potent enough to start taking affect already.

Lethargically, she picked up the razor sharp edge of the broken lens. As if she were dreaming, she saw, but did not feel, the makeshift knife split the skin of her wrist. The bright splash of blood mesmerized her.

Blood…

Her eyes widened as a thought entered her consciousness…She hadn't bled this month.

Slowly, the potential causes of this phenomenon ambled through her mind.

Was it because she hadn't been eating?

No, that couldn't be right. They hadn't allowed her to fast for more than a few days…

She had been under a lot of stress lately. Would that have effected her monthly cycle?

No, it never had before…

Then, could it be?

Fear filled her mind as the possibility came to surface in her thoughts.

Was she, pregnant?

Oh God…

-

Why? Why did he want to die? Why should he be killed?

He had never thought his brother would ask such a question…

Didn't Sesshoumaru know? He had been trying to kill Inuyasha for as long as his parents had been dead. He surely had some sort of reason.

But, it did not matter. Inuyasha had a list long enough for Sesshoumaru to choose a reason...or five.

By this time, he had stopped laughing.

Quietly, in his emotionless voice, Sesshoumaru again asked, "Why?"

Inuyasha stared at him, looking at him, his last relation left on this earth. Sesshoumaru had never been one for jokes, did he really not know?

Well, if it got Sesshoumaru to do the deed, then he would humor him.

He would tell him why, why he should have never been brought to life in the first place…

"You want to know why brother?" His voice was like wind against sandpaper, dry and hallow. His words held no inflection.

"Because everywhere I go, everything I touch turns to death and ash. I am a plague, a living curse…. I thought you knew that."

He looked up at his brother. It seemed that this explanation was not enough, for his hands lay still.

"You should know that…."

His brother raised an eyebrow at him, but still his hands remained by his side.

"You're the one who told me...or don't you remember?"

-

Sesshoumaru's eyes widened a fraction as the nagging memory from before came to surface.

That weakling whelp of a hanyou was crying again. His wails were echoing throughout the castle.

Sesshoumaru tried to get back to his reading…

"Wahhh!"

Ugh, it was no good. Sesshoumaru carefully marked his page and set the book down. Slowly standing, he headed out of the library.

He knew what had happened.

The hanyou's pet bunny had died today. He had found it in its cage, stiff as a board, eyes glazed in death.

Inuyasha had been the last one to tend to it.

Nobody knew why it had died, but Sesshoumaru strongly suspected it had something to do with Inuyasha. He had yet to learn his own strength…

As he walked along the hallway, the wails increased in volume. His sensitive ears were beginning to ring from the high-pitched intensity.

The sound was so deafening that he almost missed the soft sound of snickering coming from the corner. Sniffing once, he came to a stop next to a small side table along the hallway. There, underneath the tablecloth was the scent of three children of the inu-courtiers. Taking another whiff, he was able to scent out the leafy smell of the rabbit mixed in with their scents.

Apparently, the hanyou had not killed the rabbit, at least not with his own hands. Though, he had been the one to originally capture it…

Continuing on his way, Sesshoumaru finally came to the room of his brother's. Resisting the urge to clamp his hands onto his ears, he regally stepped into the deep red colored bedroom. There, huddle underneath his covers with the deceased rabbit beside him in a coffin-like box, was Inuyasha. The four year old had spent the entire morning in that same position, refusing to eat or come to his lessons.

His mother had finally given up trying to console him, and had left for a small break to ease her nerves. Her scent was at least an hour old.

As soon as Sesshoumaru walked into the room, the wailing stopped. However, the lump remained in the middle of the bed, now trembling violently.

His point having been made by his very presence, Sesshoumaru turned to leave. But, a small, hoarse voice stopped him.

"Why?"

It was a quiet inquiry, laced with confusion and pain. These were emotions that were usually reserved for creatures much older than the hanyou before him.

"Why did they kill him?"

That startled Sesshoumaru. He knew then, that the children had killed his pet. He could have been tender in his reply, he could have said it wasn't his fault. But, that would have been lying. And this Sesshoumaru was never one to tell falsehoods.

"He is dead because you loved him."

The trembling stopped as Inuyasha listened to his elder brother's explanation.

"Everything you touch will die. Everything will turn to ash and death. You are a plague hanyou. It is the fate of your kind. You will curse everything you hold dear. You, dear brother, will be the end of all that you know."

"Accept it now. The true of your life is that you should have never been born."

It was harsh to tell Inuyasha this, especially at so young an age, but it was truth, as far as Sesshoumaru was concerned. He knew that everything the hanyou held would wilt and die, if not by his own hand, then by the consequence of what he was.

Sesshoumaru was not malicious, he was only realistic…

At least that's what he told himself as he looked into the glistening golden eyes of his younger sibling. Inuyasha had come out from under his covers to listen to him. Now, he sat there slumped upon his bed, silent in his distress as he looked outside at the two worlds of which neither he would ever be a part.

Now he knew.

Sesshoumaru turned on his heel and headed back towards the library, intent on finishing his book.

Not once did he look back at Inuyasha whose teary eyes had dried and dulled with his morbid realization.

Inuyasha smiled in vague amusement as he watched the memory play in front of Sesshoumaru's mental eye. That day had been the first of many to characterize his life…

"You were right Sesshoumaru. I didn't want to believe it back then, but as I grew up, your words always echoed back to me."

Inuyasha stared at the ground, unwilling to study the face of his elder brother. He just knew he would see a smug smile, that infuriating all-knowing attitude that he always held.

Still, Sesshoumaru remained silent.

Did he want more? Would it feed his already enlarged ego to hear just how right he had been all those years ago?

Fine. Inuyasha's eyes hardened.

He would hear everything. He would know of all the pain he caused, all the death and destruction that his mere presence created. He would know. He would have his reasons.

Still staring at the ground, Inuyasha spoke, retelling his past with a detachment few could achieve.

"Father died because of me. I know that. You know that. He died because he had to prove himself to the clan. Prove that he wasn't weak. He had to prove himself, because he had lowered himself to the level of ningen. He had married a ningen. Not only that, he had had a son, kept the bastard child, with that ningen. That was an unforgivable crime.

The word "ningen" sounded harsh against Inuyasha's lips, as if he was not only retelling the story of his father's death, but intoning the hatred the inu-clan held for his heritage.

"So he died, proving his strength….for me. If he hadn't, they would have killed me."

Inuyasha paused at this thought, as if mulling over the possibilities of his father's actions. His fist tightened, digging his claws into his hand, causing blood to seep down between his knuckles creating tiny little rivulets which flowed freely to the ground.

"He should have let them kill me. It would have made so many people happier…"

Sesshoumaru still had made no movement and in turn, Inuyasha did not look up.

He went on…

"Mother died because of me.

"No, she didn't just die…she was destroyed, crushed…broken…"

Inuyasha closed his eyelids tightly, trying, but failing to keep the horrible image at bay.

"After you told us to leave, after the others forced us out of the castle, we traveled for eight days to her family's home. Eight days on foot without any sort of provision. I was okay…but Mom, it really weakened her. We showed up at their doorstep. When they first saw her, they ran out to greet her, happy that she had returned home. I thought, just maybe, it would be okay to live there, that they would accept us…

"Heh, I still believed back then that I could find a place that would accept me. Isn't that foolish?"

Sesshoumaru, still did not answer.

Inuyasha went on…

"As soon as they saw me, they stopped. They stared at me as if I was some cockroach they had found in their miso. Mom had to beg them to take us in. They finally let me on their property, but they refused to allow me access to the house. I had to stay outside, as if I was some disobedient stray puppy that would mess on the carpet. Never once, in the five years that I stayed with my mother's people, did I step foot into their home. Eventually, mom and I built a hut just on the edge of their property. Just for that small shack, we were made to pay dearly. They worked Mama as if she was a common slave. Their own daughter they beat, abused. I did everything I could. I worked from sunrise to way past sunset in the fields. I thought that if I worked hard they wouldn't make her work."

"I was just a stupid pup."

"A year from the day Father died, mother got really sick. They wouldn't call a doctor. I tried to get the local miko to come, but she turned me from her doorstep with a purity arrow whizzing past. Mama died a week later."

His claws dug deeper into his palms.

"They would have accepted her into their home if it had not been for me….She would have been happy if it had not been for me…

I killed my own mother."

When Mama died, I had nowhere to go. Her people let me stay on their property as long as I did whatever they wanted. I was their beast of burden, their slave, their toy to play with and taunt. My Uncle was the worst. He would come into my shack and sit down as if it was his own personal chambers. He would make me do things…things I didn't like. But I didn't say anything, didn't do anything.

I was afraid.

If I complained, they would throw me out. Then where would I go?

But, one day, he brought in a slave girl I had befriended. Her name was Tora. She was a strange girl, beautiful, exotic…but fierce. She was the only one who had ever been nice to me.

He brought Tora to one of our "sessions." That's what he liked to call them.

He had drugged her. She wouldn't have come so willingly otherwise. He had picked her for the exact reason that she was pleasant to me.

I was such a coward that I went along with it for a while. I let him do to me what he always did. But then…he started touching her. Not only touching, but hurting. She wanted to tell him to stop, but she couldn't form the words.

She was helpless.

She was hurting.

And it was all because of me.

I lost it then. I don't remember what happened that night. Looking back on it now, I think it was the first time I went into a blood-rage…the first time I turned demon.

I don't know what happened.

I woke up the next morning with the stench of blood on my hands…and caged like a wild animal. I was on some sort of wagon, chained to the wooden planks.

When I finally understood that I was imprisoned, I looked up to find that the wagon was taking me away from my mother's home. Away from the life I had known for five years.

Something swaying in the wind caught my eye…when I finally made out the form, my heart stopped for several seconds.

I'm sure it did.

There swaying in the wind, above the grave that I had dug for my mother, tied to a tree was the body of Tora.

They had hanged her for my transgression.

Tora had died because of me.

I don't remember much of my life in those subsequent five years. My family had sold me to a freak show.

It was a traveling company that set up fights between strange creatures. Apparently they had never had a hanyou before, so they were quite excited by my arrival.

That was where I learned how to survive.

At first I didn't want to fight, but my instincts kicked in when an animal-like tiger youkai lunged for my throat.

He was my first kill. The first of many.

I don't know how many I killed. Enough that it soon became second-nature for me. The smell of blood became a part of my personal scent.

I became obsessed with becoming stronger…until there was nothing left for me to fight. I had killed all of my opposition.

I had become the rabid animal that I was always referred to as.

How many did I kill for my own sick pleasure?

I soon became bored with the fighting games, I wanted to become stronger so that I could take on bigger game.

I wanted to be a full youkai.

That was when I heard about the Shikon.

I escaped.

The rest, as you know brother, is history.

I was the match that lit the fire. It was my greed to become stronger, and my love for a priestess that caused all the deaths related to Naraku and the shikon shards.

Kikyo died because of me.

Shippou's parents died because of me.

Sango's family…

Miroku's family…

Kouga's tribe…

They all died because I was stubborn enough to keep on living.

Most blame it on the shikon, saying it was a curse. But I know, brother. It was not the shikon's curse…it was mine.

-

Sesshoumaru watched in fascination as Inuyasha went through the memories of his childhood traumas.

For the first time, he realized how truly young his brother was.

His life had been lived in intervals of five years. If he discounted the time Inuyasha spent pinned to the tree, he would only be reaching twenty years - a young child still in youkai years.

And yet looking at his bloody arms, his long dirty hair, and gaunt face…he looked to be 2000 years old.

He looked as if he had been carrying the weight of the world for so long, that it had finally dragged him down, releasing onto him all the horrible secrets of the living creatures.

And yet, even though he had gone through this horrible life, it still didn't make sense.

He still wanted to know.

"Why?"

-

He had asked it again. Inuyasha had thought that his life story would be enough of an explanation.

Apparently his brother knew him far better than he thought.

He couldn't say it, though…

For some reason, saying it would make it all the more real.

He clenched his hands tighter. Then, he sensed a sharp pricking sensation in a part of his hand where his claws could not reach.

Slowly he opened his hand.

There, sparkling in the dying light of the sun, was the shikon jewel, cracked from the pressure of his hand.

Though it still shown with light, it no longer held an aura. It was merely glass reflecting light.

It was just a shell now.

It was empty.

Just like he was.

Slowly lifting his head, his eyes followed the contours of his brother's face. He still couldn't look him in the eye. It would only hold loathing, disgust. He was so tired. He just wanted to die….

Why wouldn't he just kill him?

The memories were coming back now. Resurfacing to torture him again.

The memories of Her.

Of his mate.

His soul.

His Kagome.

The tears were coming. He could feel them filling up in his eyes. He couldn't bring himself to care. Maybe, he would look pathetic enough for his brother to kill him…

Was that the solution?

He had to know.

What did his brother think?

He had to see his eyes. They were the only indicator of what his brother thought. His only emotional indicator…when he did have emotions…

His eyes finally found their destination…but his brother wasn't looking at him….

That's when he heard a sharp intake of breath.

-

Kagome was trembling violently. She was forcing herself to stay awake, to get up and ring for a nurse. She just had to know…

Could it be?

If she was…if she had just a part of him…then maybe there would be a reason to go on.

She had to know!

Her eyes were drifting shut on their own accord. But she forced them to open. She wouldn't fall asleep. She set her hand on the ground to support her weight, however her hand contacted a wet surface.

Why was it wet?

Her eyes widened again, giving her the spurt of energy she needed to get moving.

She was still bleeding…she had to stop her bleeding first.

She grabbed the first thing she could find…her shirt. Fumbling with her leaden digits, she was finally able to tie a loose bandage around her bleeding wrist.

It had taken way too much energy…

She was soo tired now…

Why was she trying to hard to stay awake?

Why didn't she just go into the waiting oblivion?

Red blood bleeding through white cloth gave her her answer…

Inuyasha.

Slowly, she got to her knees. She couldn't stand…she was too woozy to balance and too weak to support herself.

On hands and knees she laboriously crawled to the nurse call button.

Her eyesight was darkening…whether from the pills or the cut wrist she didn't know.

She fixated all her attention on that one little red button…she had to get to it.

One knee forward.

One hand forward.

One knee forward.

One hand forward.

She would get there…

Finally.

Just as her arms began to turn to jello and her feet to lead, she reached her destination.

With the last of her strength she shot up from her crouched position and hit the little red button that would be either her salvation or her damnation.

If she wasn't pregnant it would be much harder to try suicide again. They would watch her tirelessly.

They wouldn't trust her again…

But if she was…

If she had just a little bit of Inuyasha with her…

If she had life growing within her…

How selfish would she be to end that life before it even began?

Her mind was turning to mush. The consequences and her actions didn't seem to matter.

Now, only one thought ran through her mind like the pounding sound of feet outside her door…

Was she pregnant?

The door opened…

Light flooded the room…

Gasps…

Yelling…

People touching her, talking to her…

She couldn't hear.

But she wanted to know, so badly…

A nurse was looking at her, holding her, asking her questions. Panic…there was panic in her eyes…

Did she know?

"Am I pregnant?"

The room turned to silence as they listened to her quiet question…

She wanted to hear if they would answer her…but a rushing sound was filling her ears…taking away her senses.

The room was turning dark.

One voice came to her through the static. It was calm, soothing, and very familiar.

It was her mother's voice. And though she couldn't make out what she was saying, one definite word came through as she slowly slipped into a dreamless sleep…

"yes"

-

Inuyasha had not answered his last question. Instead he had opened his palm to reveal a broken, round, glass ball.

He acted as if that should be his answer.

But what did it mean?

Slowly, his brother raised his head as if dreading meeting his eyes.

As his brother studied his face, taking his sweet time, Sesshoumaru decided to do the same.

He started with the puppy ears that twitched with every sound. Then he followed the outlines of his bangs, taking in his face. His face was sallow, lacking all emotion and making him look deathly ill.

Was he grievously ill?

Is that why he wanted to die?

But that didn't make sense…

A hanyou shouldn't be susceptible to disease…

No…something told him there was a deeper meaning.

Movement on his face directed Sesshoumaru to his eyes once again.

The hanyou was crying.

Why would he cry?

Again he followed the lines of his tears just as he had followed the lines of Inuyasha's face.

The tears ran everywhere.

The first followed a track to his nose and dived to the ground, making it have an early death.

The second followed Inuyasha's cheek, tracing the now jutting bone and finally falling into the crease of his mouth.

The third however, deviated from the second's path, running farther down, following the contours of the hanyou's face.

It reached his neck.

Sesshoumaru was just about to turn his eyes away to see if his brother had reached his eyes yet when a strange scar caught his attention.

There was a scar in the shape of teeth marks on Inuyasha's neck.

Inuyasha shouldn't have scarred in the first place…

Why was that scar there?

In the sacred place of a youkai mating mark?

It was too bizarre…

He gasped.

Or maybe it wasn't.

Sesshoumaru's eyes widened as they finally journeyed back to Inuyasha's own orbs.

The emptiness, the death wish, the dull jewel, the miko's strange absence…the scar.

Inuyasha had mated with the miko…and had lost her.

Was that it?

Is that what finally broke the hanyou?

A sharp pain twisted in Sesshoumaru's chest as he stared into his brother's eyes. They were raining now with tears, he had never known his brother to show his sadness so openly.

That must be it.

Was that the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back? All of his suffering, all of his pain. He had taken it, carried it with him. The miko had been the final weight.

He knew this sadness.

He knew those eyes.

Again his brother's appearance reminded him of his father…

But in a different time…a different place.

The day his mother had left them….

His own eyes softened at the thought.

His father had been broken, had locked himself up in his room. The clan had thought he would wither away…

If what he thought was true…then his brother's sadness and pain was nothing petty. For an Inu-youkai to lose a mate is to drive him to madness…to eternal suffering.

Sesshoumaru had despised his father for his outward showing of pain. He had refused to try and comfort him.

His father had abandoned him…or at least that was what he had thought so many years ago.

He was only ten when his mother died…

He didn't understand…and nobody was there to help.

He had thought his father weak…but now he knew better.

Now…

He quickly refocused on his brother.

….he had a second chance.

Slowly he lifted his arm…

End of Part 1

If you want me to continue…review. If you don't I won't have the motivation to finish….

Tata for now.

Eartha


	2. Part Two: The Reason

Idle Wishes

Part 2: The Reason

By: Eartha

-

When Inuyasha finally found his brother's eyes…they were misted over. He had never seen such a look on his brother's face. It was as if he was reliving his own sad past, remembering something that was long forgotten…

Suddenly, his eyes fixed on him again. They were bright with a light Inuyasha didn't understand.

But as his brother raised his hand…Inuyasha closed his eyes.

He was awaiting his long overdue death…

He heard his brother's hand fly through the wind. His muscles tightened with anticipation.

Then the moment came…his brother's hand was hovering near his neck…

And…

He missed!

His hand had flown right past his artery…right past his neck…

He was about to voice his confusion when his brother's arm suddenly lashed onto his back, bringing him tightly to his chest.

His brain tried to process the information…but it was too strange for him to take in.

His first thought was that his brother was going to smother him to death….

But then he realized he was breathing fine…

What else could it be?

-

Sesshoumaru clutched his brother with the desperation of a dying man. He had never felt so overwhelmed with emotion. All of his loss, all of his suppressed fear and guilt over his father's death culminated into this one strange brotherly act of comfort.

He knew Inuyasha didn't understand, he remained tense in his hold as if awaiting the next move that would end his life.

He was lost, confused.

But, so was Sesshoumaru. This was uncharted territory. Never had he done such a familiar act with any person, not to mention his own brother whom he had detested since his very birth.

But things had changed.

His brother had reminded him that he was more than just a half-breed, he was more than a half-mortal who had sullied the bloodline of the Inu-Clan.

He was the former Tai-Youkai's son, his father's son.

He was his brother.

It was a fact he had never really accepted until this moment. The knowledge that this being was his blood, a part of his father, a part of him.

It made his past actions towards him all the more shameful.

No.

They were dishonorable.

He mentally cringed at the idea, but he could not deny it.

He had always claimed that his brother had dishonored the family, but what had he done? He knew of nothing that Inuyasha had done that could shame the family.

What had he done but kept his promises, protected those he loved, and fought for the good of all who lived?

He sighed.

He knew what he had to do.

Slowly he brought his head down towards his brother's ears…

-

Inuyasha was beyond confused, the very idea that his brother was embracing him did not even occur to his muddle wits. His head was still swimming from his former actions. His brother's tight hold on him did not help him either. It only served to make him even more light-headed.

Wait, there was something else.

This weakening of his body, it could not be solely from the events of the day. There was something more, something he should have known innately that would explain this draining of his life-force.

When he attempted to take a deep breath to clear his head, the answer came to him. He was losing his sense of smell. That only happened right before nightfall during the new moon.

Slowly, he watched as the sun set behind his brother's shoulder. He felt the familiar sliding of his ears, the retraction of his claws and fangs, the weakening of his youkai strength (what little was left). An almost blissful numbness set over his body.

How ironic.

He never would have thought that his humanity would be his salvation…

Slowly he closed his eyes and allowed the darkness to overcome him. A voice called to him, familiar yet distant. It wasn't enough to convince him. The darkness was far too welcoming, the light in the distance far too close to walk away from.

Finally…

He would see her again.

-

Sesshoumaru was beyond confused to find his brother's ears not in their rightful place on top of his head. Then, he watched in fascination as his hair turned midnight black, his clawed fingers turning into the dull digits of a human.

He had never seen his brother change before.

He had always hidden it, ashamed of the fact that he would become so weak once a month. He had hidden it from him, especially. This he knew. He never had wanted to be weak in front of him, Sesshoumaru.

Worry fell over Sesshoumaru's features as he felt his brother's body begin to loosen, his arms and head slacken as if in sleep.

It could not be.

Not when he was about to say…

Not when he would finally tell him…

"Inuyasha," he whispered.

He shook him, attempting to get a response.

There was none.

Holding him closer, he whispered into the midnight black hair of his now human brother, "Inuyasha, I'm sorry."

Again Inuyasha did not respond. Of course he did not expect one. His brother's heart had already ceased its beating.

He wanted a response, he wanted to see his brother's blazing eyes sneering at his pitiful apology. He wanted his anger.

He wanted his brother back.

But, for once, he would not be so selfish. Inuyasha had wanted death, wanted to be reunited with his mate.

He would not take another precious thing from his brother.

Slowly, he lifted his brother's body onto his shoulder and followed the well-worn path back to the human village.

If the Kitsune and the Exterminator's attitudes were any indication about what they felt for the hanyou, then they would want his body, to cry over, to prepare, to bury.

He had no right.

He may have been his brother by blood.

But they were his family by love.

-

Darkness.

Blissful numbing of pain.

Here there were no worries, no fears, no heartbreak.

Heartbreak?

The Darkness began to close in on him, suffocating him…

What would he be heartbroken about?

A face.

Dark, silken hair.

A gentle smile.

Kagome…

-

They had pumped her stomach and bound her wrists, yet her heartbeat was erratic and breathing shallow.

The nurses feared they had not gotten to her in time.

At the moment she was in a deep coma.

Mrs. Higurashi turned careworn eyes to the smiling faces on the hospital wall. She had feared that if she had told her daughter about her pregnancy it would have made her worse.

Who knew how she would have reacted?

It could have thrown her further into the abyss of her depression, reminding her once again of what she had lost.

She hadn't wanted to chance it.

How stupid could she have been?

She clutched her fists, burying her long nails in her flesh. She had seen the look in her daughter's eyes. That need to know, that hope.

What else would have made her call the nurses?

She had taken the pills.

She had slit her wrists.

She had wanted to die.

And yet she hadn't allowed herself to, just on the off chance that she had been pregnant.

Tears began to well up in the older woman's eyes. She had known heartbreak in her life, she had known the death of a lover.

She should have known that a child would have been her daughter's salvation…

She should have…

Her thoughts were broken by the sound of a gently opened door.

It was the doctor, and his face looked grim.

"Mrs. Higurashi, I'm sorry…"

He never got past his first sentence.

That one sentence sent her falling to the ground, unconscious.

Finding refuge in temporary darkness, where life's pains could not reach.

-

Kagome was floating.

She had never felt so free. Here there were no emotions, her mind was blissfully blank.

How long had she been here?

Seconds? Hours? Weeks? Years?

Did it even matter?

She continued to float on, but a nagging emotion pricked her mind, chasing away the numbing bliss.

It hit her in a flurry of understanding…

Inuyasha.

As soon as his name escaped her lips, an image of him appeared before her. His long silver hair floating around his face, a halo of unearthly beauty. She reached towards him, knowing that if she could just touch him, everything in the world would be right.

-

Miroku was pacing. He did not like what was happening just outside of the village. Thay had spent far too much time trying to keep Inuyasha alive to just let his damn brother kill him! What was he thinking? Why had he left him there? He should have stayed and fought. He should have placed himself between them, defended the hanyou with his body.

Even as his thoughts berated him, he knew that he could have done nothing. Inuyasha, no matter his mental state, was still his leader, his dearest friend, and he did not want him there. He had ordered him away and he could not disobey.

It may sound odd for a human to obey a youkai. To call him leader. But that was what he was. The night they had defeated Naraku, Inuyasha had explained to him, to everyone, that they were his pack and that he was their leader. Strangely, they had not fought that arrangement. They had all accepted it as though they had already known. So it came down to this:

Inuyasha was his leader, and he could not defy him in any way…

The rustling of the doormat brought Miroku's attention to the entrance. A tall figure loomed in the doorway, blocking out the vision of the dark night.

Sesshoumaru.

Confusion raced through his mind. Why would Sesshoumaru come here? He detested humans, and even more he detested human villages, where the 'stench' of them was the strongest.

What could have…

Miroku's heart stilled.

There, held over the tall youkai's shoulder was the limp form of Inuyasha. He had not seen him at first because of the darkness within the hut, but the firelight had jumped up at that one moment to highlight the red of his hoari.

Miroku backed up, allowing the youkai entrance. Gracefully, Sesshoumaru glided into the room. Slowly, gently, almost lovingly, Sesshoumaru set the still form onto the hut floor by the fire.

Miroku's gut clenched at the image. Inuyasha was human. Where he looked sickly as a hanyou, his skin hung even more off his thin frame as a human. He looked emaciated. As he studied his friend, one detail disturbed him.

His chest was not rising with breath. He wasn't breathing! Quickly, he ran up to him to see if he was just imagining…and if not, to see if he could do something…anything! He couldn't just stand by, not this time. Franticly, he blew his own life's breath into Inuyasha, beating his chest to restart his stilled heart.

Nothing happened.

Inuyasha, that overbearing, emotionally constipated, sticks his foot in his mouth, best friend…was gone.

-

There she was. Kagome. His heart. His life. His mate.

She looked as beautiful as the day they first met. Cheeks flushed, eyes sparkling. She was what he had been missing.

Her arm was outstretched, trying desperately to reach him.

Tentatively, fearing that she would merely be an apparition, another dream, he lifted his own hand. Amazingly, he found warm flesh as he grasped her hand, intertwining his fingers with hers.

Complete.

He was complete.

They remained like that for all eternity or for just a few seconds. In this darkness time did not matter, seconds or decades could pass without notice.

They would have remained like that if not for a soft thumping sound which caught their attention.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

They stared at each other, confused beyond reasoning. Both searched the darkness with their eyes, hoping to find the source.

But nothing remained outside themselves. They were the only beings in this strange plane.

Then that meant…

Inuyasha stared at Kagome, focusing on her ethereal body.

Slowly, he floated closer to her, straining his ears to find the source of the steady beat.

Blushing slightly, he leaned his head on Kagome's chest, as her bewildered expression stared down at him.

A steady beat.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Not his heart, that he knew had already stopped.

Straining his ears, he realized it was not Kagome's heart either.

Though…

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

He dragged his head down further, centering his attention on her abdomen.

There.

Thump Thump.

Thump Thump.

Thump Thump.

Two beats?

Two beats within Kagome's abdomen.

What could it mean?

-

Kagome remained confused as Inuyasha pressed his head against her abdomen, as if the sound was coming from within herself.

That was absurd. Why would any sound come from within her dead body, not even that, her spirit form?

It sounded like heartbeats.

But she was dead…

_Oh God_

-Flashback—

_Am I pregnant?_

_Yes_

-end—

Heartbeats. Little heartbeats within her abdomen, her womb.

Her child, children, still lived.

Inuyasha looked up into her shocked face, having felt her tense. His eyes were questioning her. Begging her to explain.

Tears began slipping down her face. She had to tell him…

"Inuyasha…

Oh god.

Inuyasha! I'm pregnant!"

By this time, tears were gushing down her face as she grasped onto his strong shoulders, holding onto him as if by that singular action he could explain what it all meant.

-

Inuyasha was stunned.

His first thought held unimaginable joy: He was going to be a father!

But then reality hit. They were dead. What the hell? How fucked up was that?

Fate really had it out for them, didn't it? Why couldn't he just have happiness without it being overtaken by overwhelming sorrow in the next instant.

But why could they hear the heartbeats? Why were the children alive, if they were dead? What did it all mean.

Staring at the darkness surrounding them, he searched for answers.

Where were they anyway? It couldn't be hell, there was no suffering here, no pain. He had all he needed: Kagome. But, it could not be heaven either, for in heaven he was sure he would be able to meet his mother…and perhaps even his father.

Perhaps, they were in some sort of limbo, a region between life and death, heaven and hell.

Perhaps, one of them was not supposed to stay dead…

Understanding lit his golden eyes. Slowly, he pulled away from Kagome, making eye contact with her, fear-stricken and confused.

Slowly, he raised his hand, brushing away the strands of hair that had fallen into her eyes. She leaned into his soft touch, reveling in the feeling.

"Kagome, you have to go back."

-

Startled, she jerked her head away from his caress. Did he not want her with him? Why did he want her to go away? No! She wouldn't leave him!

"NO!"

It was his turn to be startled. He stared at her with such stricken eyes, that she immediately regretted her vehement answer.

"I can't Inuyasha, I can't leave you. Not again. Not again…"

Tears began forming in her eyes.

"You don't know what I went through…when I couldn't get back to you. I lost it. Completely. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. Nothing mattered. Don't you understand? Life has no meaning without you in it! There's no reason for me to go back. None…"

She was glaring at him as tears streamed down her face. Daring him to give her a reason…

-

Inuyasha's heart broke to hear her pain, to know she had gone through the same suffering that he had.

But he did have a reason. A reason far greater than their own pain.

Slowly, he grasped her fisted hand, directing it to the center of her abdomen.

"There's your reason, Kagome. There's your reason to live. Do you understand? We've started something, created life. What right to we have to end it?"

-

Staring off into the distance as the gentle thump resounded in the nerves of her fingertips, she knew he was right.

She had known all along.

Hadn't her possible pregnancy been the reason she had called the nurses in the first place?

She turned her eyes back to Inuyasha's.

Quietly she sighed.

"You're right…"

Suddenly a thought filtered through her mind. Pictures of friends and family. A world five hundred years in the past.

She knew she had to go back…

"But Inuyasha, you have to go back too."

His eyes showed his surprise, wanting to know what reason he had to go back, to live.

Looking at him, understanding his reluctance, she explained.

"You have to go back because they need you. Sango, Miroku, Kaede. Shippou…"

Her eyes softened.

"Inuyasha, Shippou needs you. He needs a father. He already lost one, don't make him be orphaned twice. Please…"

-

Inuyasha's eyes widened as he remembered the little fox kit. He had stayed by him so faithfully in his pain. Always there, day or night, feeding him, protecting him.

Inuyasha knew. He couldn't leave the kit alone. Like Kagome, he had his own responsibility.

Looking back at her, he nodded his head in acceptance.

"I will live for you Kagome. And I will live for them, for him…."

She began to smile wide.

"But only until he is grown. It takes a demon thirty years to reach maturity. Shippou's already eight. Twenty-two years, Kagome. Twenty-two long years. That's all I can give."

Sobering, but not protesting, Kagome nodded her head.

-

"Then I will give you twenty-two years in return."

Kagome knew that Inuyasha had aged at the same rate as a human. That meant her child would be twenty-one, legal maturity when the twenty-two years were up. They would have both completed their mission. And then…they would be able to be with each other again, for all eternity.

As she gave her final resolution, the darkness around them began to lighten, bringing strange sounds and familiar smells.

Confused by the sudden change, she did not realize that Inuyasha was beginning to fade…

She turned her head back to see his form become hazy. Desperately she pulled him closer, holding him, hoping against all rational thought that she could bring him with her.

Knowing it to be impossible, she loosened her grip enough to give him one last passionate kiss, feeling his form dissolve from beneath her grasp.

Thinking he had totally disappeared, she almost missed the wind-like whispering of his voice.

_I love you, mate_

Tears forming again in her eyes, she screamed into the lightening darkness.

"INUYASHA!"

There was no reply.

-

Sesshoumaru watched in bitter fascination as the monk cried over the body of his now deceased brother.

Emotions that should have been his own were displayed clearly on the man's distraught face.

Clearly, the monk had cared greatly for the hanyou.

Standing in the shadows, he watched as the monk's muffled sobs and desperate attempts to revive him awoke the rest of Inuyasha's companions.

First the old Miko.

Her face held little surprise at the sight of Inuyasha's prone form. Yet her eyes held great sorrow, perhaps even regret.

Next came the exterminator with her faithful firecat in tow. They watched the scene in shocked surprise then quiet acceptance.

The cat mewed in mourning while the slayer remained tense, curling her fingers, digging into the soft flesh of her palms.

He watched in fascination as the blood ran between her fingers to pool on the hut's dirt floor.

She was angry. Furious even. But at what he could not guess.

Then came the kitsune.

Sesshoumaru had actually been aware of the little youkai from the moment he stepped into the hut. The kit had awoken at his entrance. Sesshoumaru could tell by the quickening of his pulse. But he had not come out. Perhaps he was afraid…

Slowly, he walked to the still form of Inuyasha. His face held disbelief as he stared at the emaciated body, still standing several feet away. Suddenly, he lurched forward, sprinting to Inuyasha's side. Once there he burrowed into the red hoari, desperately clinging to him as if he was still alive, merely asleep.

Watching that heart-wrenching scene seemed to snap everyone out of their stupor.

It was Sango, the slayer who spoke first, her voice laced with barely concealed rage.

"WHY!"

Sesshoumaru was sure she was going to turn on him and attack.

To his surprise, she aimed her anger not at himself, but at his dead brother.

"What the hell were you thinking! You BASTARD! Didn't you ever think that we may need you? Didn't you ever think that we were hurting too? Why did you have to hold all the sorrow, carry everything? What right did you have to create your own punishment? What RIGHT…(by this time her voice had quieted to an exhausted whisper) did you have to let yourself die?"

Her rage had torn a path through the room's atmosphere, allowing for all the emotions to come forth.

The miko began to cry, and the kit was blubbering in Inuyasha's hoari as the firecat tried desperately to comfort him.

The monk, however, had become suspiciously quiet.

"Bring him back." It was a whispered request, but as his eyes turned to stare into Sesshoumaru's own, he knew that there was heated emotion behind it.

Sesshoumaru did nothing.

Slowly, with a grace and calm that he did not know humans could possess, the monk stood up and began to _stalk_ him.

It was a predator's gleam in the man's eyes, shining with barely suppressed rage.

This time when he spoke, it was louder, but still calm, still commanding.

"Bring him back, Sesshoumaru."

Every live creature in the room focused on the two mentally warring individuals. Miroku was soon just a foot away from Sesshoumaru, and still the monk stood his ground without wavering.

Sesshoumaru looked at the man in front of him, again wondering at the loyalty and friendship Inuyasha had formed with these misfits.

But still, he could not give in. No matter how much he wanted to take tenseiga and bring Inuyasha back. No matter how much he wanted to hug his brother. No matter how much he wanted to talk to him, tell him….tell him that he was sorry. He could not.

Just this once, he would not be selfish…self-serving. He would, for just this once, think of his brother's needs, desires, before his own.

"I will not."

That simple statement had the entire room go into a frenzy. The monk cursed tightening his hold on his staff, the taijiya grabbed her strange weapon calling the firecat to her side, the miko tottered towards her arrows.

Only the Kitsune remained non-threatening as he slowly came out of the hanyou's clothing.

His large green eyes stared up at Sesshoumaru's own, questioning his decision in amidst the flurry of the activity.

Yet again, that single question came up. Such a small word that held so much meaning.

"Why?"

The kitsune's question was softly said, and yet as soon as it was voiced, all motion stopped in the small room.

Inuyasha's friends turned to stare at Sesshoumaru, their shoulder's tense for a fight, but their ears open for an explanation.

Sesshoumaru, stared into the distance, trying to piece together his thoughts. Eventually, the complete answer came to him.

"Because he chose numbing bliss over eternal pain.

He chose death over life.

And thus he chose his own path

If I were to intervene, bring him back to this miserable existence, then I would have taken away his right to make his own choices. And then what would he have left?

A broken family

A broken body

A broken mind

A broken soul.

For once allow Inuyasha to rule his own life."

Stunned silence met his answer. As he stared each occupant down, daring them to question his reasoning, his gaze only met shameful, turned faces. His point having been made, he turned towards the prone form of his deceased brother, preparing to give his final farewell.

"Damn :cough: Right, I rule my :wheeze: own life."

Total silence encompassed the room.

Now, there have been few times when Sesshoumaru has shown actual emotion. A lone tear here, a quirking of the lips there. That was the extent of his emotional outbursts.

That is why the heavens must have stopped to gaze down at him, when this Sesshoumaru, Lord of the Western Lands, Son of the Great Inutai, Brother to the Hanyou Inuyasha…

…fell to his knees…

…hung his head…

And laughed his ass off.

-

Having regained consciousness and been checked out by a doctor who gave her a clean bill of health, Mrs. Higurashi was then led by a solemn looking nurse to her daughter's bedside.

There, tucked beneath the white hospital sheets, lay Kagome, still, as if in sleep. Her beautiful raven locks were spread out on her pillow in a dark halo. Her lips were quirked in a small smile.

As the nurse quietly left the room, Mrs. Higurashi nearly collapsed again with the weight of the situation, the unreality of the moment.

Her beautiful baby girl, Kagome, her light, her little confidante, was dead.

In that moment, she watched her daughter's life flash before her. Gurgling at her breast, chasing butterflies in an open field, taking part in the shrine festival…coming back from the well that first time.

She kept on telling herself that she should have stopped Kagome from going back, she should have made her stay!

But, she also knew it would have done little good. She knew…

She knew Kagome had fallen in love with that dog-eared boy the moment she saw him pinned to the Goshinboku. She knew, because Kagome had told her in one of their many midnight girl talk sessions.

It seems those two were fated to be…

But surely not like this!

Not in death.

Unknowingly, tears began to fall from her eyes. Two tears became a flood as her grief suddenly overcame her. Unable to stand any longer, Mrs. Higurashi collapsed to the floor, leaning over her daughter's body.

Falling apart in a way she had never done, even at the death of her husband, she clung to Kagome's body, asking the deities to take her life instead, to give back her daughter who deserved to live for far longer than she did.

She was so lost in her own grief-filled world, that she almost didn't here the small, strained voice that comforted her in her misery.

"Don't cry Mama."

Thinking it merely her imagination, Mrs. Higurashi shook her head and quietly replied, "How can I not?"

Feeling a slight hand stroke her wet face, clearing the tear tracts away, Mrs. Higurashi turned in the direction of her daughter's face just in time to see her speak her soft reply.

"Because, Mama, there is nothing to cry about."

-

Thanks to everyone who reviewed (when I submitted this on Mediaminer).

Special thanks goes to Sutlesarcasm. She actually went as far to e-mail me and told me to continue. So, everybody should give a round of applause to the girl who kicked this author off of her ass.

FYI: There should only be one more chapter. I actually only meant this to be a two parter, but obviously it turned out to be a bit longer.

I hope everyone enjoys! …and please review, you don't know how much it means to an author to get feedback!

Luvs,

Eartha


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